DA February 3, 2010 And, Then, The Astrophysicist Had to Explain

From the USM Southworth Planetarium
“Soft touched”

THE DAILY ASTRONOMER February 3, 2010 And, Then, the Astrophysicist Had to Explain

Nobody has ever explained that strange prickly neck phenomenon. By which I mean that sudden warm sensation that one experiences around the back of the neck. The neck hairs become erect; you gulp, sometimes even gasp, and are at once seized by the conviction that you’re being watched. It is baffling that we should have a warning system that doesn’t involve any obvious sensory input. Perhaps it is nature’s means of compensating us for the fact that 180 degrees of our surroundings always remain invisible. Be it natural provision or funny witchcraft, it is often reliable.

Case in point: the brawny teenager who had spent the previous five minutes holding a lumber plank in position along a deck that he and his father were constructing. The father instructed his son to hold it in place while the former hurried to the garage to fetch the tools necessary to secure it. One could argue, of course, that the thoughtless father could have thought to bring the tools with him in the first, thereby sparing his beleaguered son the labor he was presently enduring. And, it did seem to be an ordeal. His arms were reddened and trembling with the effort. Despite his concentration on the task at hand, he at one point became very still, sniffed the air, and looked behind him, where he saw a curious little man watching him steadfastly. The man’s eyes were wide; his stance firm. Only his right hand moved, for it was rapidly transporting sno-caps and sunflower seeds (the curious man’s favorite snack) from a paper bag held by the left hand. Upon seeing the teenager look at him, this little man waved and offered what he thought was a winsome smile, but instead appeared as a menacing grimace.

The teenager, whose gulp was audible all the way down the block, nodded and then looked hastily back to the lumber plank. He cast a few furtive glances around him, and discovered the same man in the same place wearing that same expression. I, incidentally, had been on a nearby park bench,determined to remain an impartial observer. That intention, of course, would change, soon after the father returned to the front of the house with, of all things, hammer and nails.

“Got ‘em. Hold it just a minute while I get it, ” the father said, putting nail to wood and then hammer to nail. As he hammered, the small man strutted confidently across the street. He whistled his favorite air, “Battle Hymn of the Republic,” as he walked and I knew the day was about to plummet to Hell.
While the teenager rubbed his arms, the man hopped up to the sidewalk and tossed the empty paper bag in a nearby trash bin. The teenager looked positively horrified as this chipper Gollum of a man tapped the father on the shoulder with a series of rapid, and likely painful, raps.

“What?!” the father asked irritably as he spun around, dropping the hammer, and causing one side of the plank to hang down from the deck. The son quickly grabbed the board and held it in place.
The astrophysicist, calm despite the man’s hostility, pointed his right arm toward the son with the rigidity of a fencer poised for the fatal thrust, and declared, “He wasn’t doing any work!”
“I, what?!” the teenage son shouted, dropping the plank, which then crashed to the ground. Stunned by this noise, a couple nearby neighbors quite judiciously went inside to fetch binoculars. I got up from the park bench. “Excuse me?” the father said, his brow furrowed angrily.
The astrophysicist repeated himself, and, while speaking, shook his head rapidly for emphasis. “I was watching him and I know he wasn’t doing any work.”
His arm trauma forgotten, the teenager stepped forward. “The hell I wasn’t doing any work!!”
“Why are you mad?” the astrophysicist inquired, pressing his hands to his hips.
So, then I had a choice: leave my friend to his fate or intervene on his behalf. The disagreeable moment when one has to choose between compassion and beneficial evolutionary culling. I consulted my personal oracle.
Heads.
“Damn!”

Both faces of father and son had exhibited quite pleasing shades of violet by the time I stepped over to the scene. The son was combat-ready; the father was restraining him; the astrophysicist was perplexed. I realized I had to quickly compose a speech to mollify the Pop and Junior so as to prevent violence. “Please don’t be distressed. I’m a pedagogue.”

In these situations, one struggles to find something to say to defuse the situation. During most of my approach I had no clue what to say and then, as I came upon them, I had an inspiration.

I set my hands on the astrophysicist’s shoulders and softly said, “He works at a planetarium.”
Their anger changed to sympathy and understanding, the two guys nodded sadly and turned away. I persuaded the astrophysicist to join me on a walk.

“I see on the first day of your visit to my city, you’re already making new friends.” “It’s not my fault if some people have foul tempers.”
“You can’t blame them. You said the son hadn’t done any work! You saw plain as day that he was working.” “Not really.”
“What do you mean?”
“You really should know..”
“Sorry. Afraid I don’t.”
“Well, then, I’m afraid you shall compel me to be didactic and pedagogical.” One more try. Heads! “Damn.”
“Go ahead. I’ll listen.”
“Now, as you know, I have a doctorate in astrophysics, and thus have some knowledge of the physical universe.” “So, I gather…”
“…and you realize that in my capacity of a planetarium astrophysicist, it is my duty to educate the public about the cosmos. I am sure that you do the same thing in your planetarium…” “Actually, they put us underground to keep us away from the public.”
He thought about this a moment, but then moved on to the original topic. “..and one part of my mission is to dispel false notions about certain physical concepts such as, well, work, hence my attempt to educate those two fire-faces.” “I don’t see how work has much to do with planetariums and astronomy.”
“Egad! It is nothing but work! In fact, I, and many of my colleagues, would insist that physics is little more than the study of energy. And, as even YOU must know, energy is defined as the ability to do work.” “Yes, I think I read that somewhere…”
“And what is ‘work?’”
“This conversation.”
“Work is, in mechanical physics form, energy transferred by a force operating over a distance.” “And?”
“And, as I was about to explain to those two guys before you interrupted, the son wasn’t doing any work because the force he exerted on that plank was not acting over a distance. He could have stood there all day and provided he didn’t move the plank, he wouldn’t have been doing any work.” “Oh!”
“Perfect, now you understand. You see, when I perambulated across the boulevard, I wanted to engage them in conversation. After I told the father that his son wasn’t doing any work, I expected him to smile and reply, ‘Why my good sir, whatever do you mean?’ That would have prompted an informed dialogue about work. Of course, he didn’t react that way and you came over so you get the lecture instead of them. I’ll bet you’re sorry now.” “‘Sorry’ doesn’t begin to describe it.”
“Don’t fret, however, the day is not lost. Look over there at the coterie of shapely females congregating around the hot dog vendor. I would wager that very few of them know how natural processes have shaped them. The influence of planetary gravity fields upon human anatomy particularly interests me. I think I shall stroll over and engage them in what I hope shall be an illuminating discussion about all the unseen science around us.” “How will you do that?”
“Simple. I shall strike up a conversation by approaching one of these fine ladies and praising them with the line, ‘Gravity has done quite a job on you.’ I would, of course, invite you to accompany me, as a way of showing a fellow planetarian my skillful techniques, but you tend to ruin everything, so I think I shall proceed alone.”
“I’ll try to cope. Here, actually, take all the change in my pockets and buy yourself a hot dog.” “Wow! Really?”
“Yes.I want to be sure that I have no coins in my pocket while you’re educating those women.” “Thank you. You really are a fine fellow.”
“I try.”

DA February 2, 2010 Herding Quantum Cats

From the USM Southworth Planetarium
“Somewhere out there….”

THE DAILY ASTRONOMER February 2, 2010 Herding Quantum Cats

Some have derided it as the “cruelest thought experiment ever devised.” Others have dismissed it as so much frivolous mind play. Still others find within it a keen insight developed by a brilliant man seeking to understand the quantum world’s enigmatic machinations. Let’s regard the thought experiment now, with a vow to defer any judgments until later in the article. This thought experiment is called “Schrodinger’s Cat,” after Erwin Schrodinger (1887-1961), the Austrian physicist who developed it.

Imagine a cat.

Some intrepid soul manages to trap a cat in a steel container. Enclosed with the cat are a radioactive material, a sealed flask of hydrocyanic acid, and a Geiger-counter mechanism that shoots a metal dart each time the counter detects radioactive decay. The radioactive material is to one side of the Geiger-counter mechanism; the hydrocyanic acid flask is to the other side. Despite its natural curiosity, the wise cat maintains a safe distance from these strange objects. Unfortunately for said cat, if even one atom of the radioactive material decays, the Geiger counter will detect the emission, causing a metal dart to break the hydrocyanic acid flask, thereby releasing its poisonous fumes, which would kill the cat. While this scheme does seem to be a tediously elaborate, contrived means of nixing a kitty, felicide is incidental to the issue. The crux is in the radioactive material, how it behaves, and how human observations affect its behavior.

A radioactive material is one which transforms itself into a different element by particle emission. For instance, Uranium-238 will emit an alpha particle (helium nucleus) to become Thorium-234. Any radioactive material will eventually decay to become something else. This much is certain. We know that every nucleus within a lump of Uranium-238 will ultimately become Thorium-234. (The Thorium-234 nucleus will then become something else, but we’ll ignore this detail.) We even know the amount of time the Uranium-to- Thorium transition requires. Uranium-238 has a half life of 4.47 billion years. So, in 4.47 billion years, half of any given quantity of Uranium-238 would decay to form Thorium-234. This is indeed a long wait, but at least we have a reliable time schedule. The uncertainty is in each individual Uranium-238 nucleus. We know that half of the U-238 will transmute into Thorium-234 in 4.47 billion years, but cannot predict which nucleus will decay at any given time.

So, we examine the matter on the subatomic scale and find that life hardly becomes more secure. Understand that on the macroscopic scale (the scale of apples, cars and bowling balls), we have the luxury of predictability. Throw an apple off a cliff and, assuming that one knows certain values such as its initial velocity, angle of throw, and other conditions, one can determine quite accurately where the apple will be at any space-time point. The same principle applies to planets and stars, the only difference being that celestial bodies are susceptible to more influences than the falling apple. Nevertheless, one can precisely pinpoint a planet at any moment. The Universe does not display the same comfortable reliability at the smallest levels of matter. The electrons and nuclei comprising atoms are not like suns and planets. Instead, these sub-atomic particles have
“wave-like” properties. The same is true of light particles, or photons. It is upon this wave-particle duality that the science of quantum physics is predicated. (By the way, we haven’t forgotten about that poor cat.)

Quantum physics tells us that we cannot simply know a subatomic particle’s position at every moment. Instead, such a particle has an array of possible positions and velocities. These particles have even been described as “probability waves,” denoting the relative probabilities of any particle being within a certain region. Only when a subatomic particle is “observed,” can one have an idea of its position (and momentum) at a given moment. (Note: the more precise the position determination is, the less precise the momentum determination will be and vice versa.) In effect, observation causes the other probability “waves,” to collapse.

The truly tricky bit is in the interpretation.

Every subatomic particle will have “quantum superpositions,” defined as that particle’s array of possible states. Prior to observation, the particle’s state is considered indeterminate because it could have many. Does this mean that human interaction alters the subatomic particle’s state, by making an observation that determines one state and thereby causes the others to collapse? The supposition that human observation exerts such an effect on reality is part of what is known as the “Copenhagen Interpretation of Quantum Mechanics.” It was named after Copenhagen, Denmark, a city in which many of quantum physics’ pioneering scientists conferred about this new science and its possible ramifications.

So, now we look in again on that cat.

Schrodinger presented the aforementioned thought experiment as a way to expose weaknesses within the Copenhagen Interpretation. Now, let’s assume that the cat, the radioactive material, the Geiger-Counter death device, and the hydrocyanic acid flask are all contained in this box for an hour. Nobody observes the box’s contents. It is left alone in a corner somewhere for sixty minutes. During this time period, one of the radioactive material’s nuclei might have decayed, causing the Geiger Counter to smash the flask and slay the cat. Of course, within that hour, perhaps none of the nuclei decayed. If the Geiger Counter didn’t registered a decay, the flask would remain sealed and the cat would remain alive. Annoyed as hell, of course, but still alive.

The problem is that we have two possible states: the event of a nucleus decay and the event of no nucleus decay. If the former occurs, the cat dies, if the latter happens, the cat lives. After an hour elapses, the experimenter prepares to open the box and lift the lid. Since the cat’s survival depends on a subatomic –and therefore quantum- phenomenon, does the cat, itself, exist in an indeterminate state: a juxtaposition of a live cat and a dead cat in the same box? When the experimenter opens the box to observe a live cat, will he have actually caused the dead cat state to collapse, producing a live cat?

Does this scenario sound absurd? Perhaps. Absurdity was exactly what Schrodinger was trying to produce with this experiment? The absurdity of applying microscopic principles to macroscopic objects. One cannot possibly have the simultaneous existence of a live cat and a dead cat if they are, indeed, the same cat. However, in the quantum world, such state juxtapositions are not only possible, they are the reality. That humans, apart from being displaced scrutinizers, can actually influence external realities by the mere act of observation, is Quantum Theory’s most astonishing assertion. How much influence we have and why are still unresolved issues. We do know that nature is quite adept at keeping her secrets, especially those pertaining to quantum physics. She’s certainly not going to let that cat out of the bag…box…

DA February 1, 2010 February 2010 Sky Calendar

From the USM Southworth Planetarium
“Return to the surface”

THE DAILY ASTRONOMER February 1, 2010 February 2010 Sky Calendar

So, at the very first moment of February 2010, we enjoy a prolonged look at the month’s multitude of sweet sky sights. Some might feel a bit grey around the gills knowing that the year’s coldest month is in its infancy. However, when viewed another way, February could be considered the bliss month for snow fanciers and summer admirers alike. After all, while the 2nd month is when we pass through the true core of the cold, it is also at this point that we also notice the first incursions of light. Here in Longfellow’s beloved berg, the Sun will soon be setting after 5:00 p.m. Civil twilight almost extends to 5:30 p.m. and the Sun’s altitude increases with each passing day. One could dismiss this assurance as silly and desperate spin for the weeping throng of warm weather lovers, but sometimes one must sniff out these consolations.

Weather issues apart, February is also the time when the brilliant winter stars are high in the evening sky and the nights are still long enough to enable us to view its wonders for hours on end.

So, be of good cheer (or, indifferent cheer, if that’s easier), dress sharp, bundle tightly, look up and behold the latest exhibits our restless Universe.

February 2: GROUNDHOG’S DAY
How the devil do you suppose this holiday qualifies as an astronomical event? Groundhog’s Day, in which a poor, beleaguered, humanity-eschewing creature is thrust into the limelight to make the type of weather predictions that still confound supercomputers, is actually a cross-quarter day. Cross-Quarter (or CQ) days are days approximately mid-way between solstices and equinoxes. The calendar has four such days: Feb 2 (Groundhog’s Day, or Candlemas); May 1 (May Day or Beltane);
August 1 (Lammas) and October 31 (Halloween.) While the first and fourth are most popular in the United States, the third is well-known in the UK and the second was a particularly important holiday in what was the Soviet Union.

February 4: MARS 3.2 DEGREES NNE OF THE BEEHIVE STAR CLUSTER
We care because Mars is so bright and the Beehive Star Cluster (a.k.a. Praesepe) is Cancer the Crab’s only prominent object. Also, Mars is undergoing yet another exquisitely beautiful retrograde loop. If one were to track Mars against the sky, one would see it appear to pass by the Beehive Cluster again on April 17th.

February 5: LAST QUARTER MOON

February 7: MOON 1.5 DEGREES NE OF ANTARES
Here’s a hopeful sign for those yearning for summer’s return. Antares, Scorpius’ alpha star, emerges in the southeastern early morning sky. Scorpius and Sagittarius, both prominent summer evening constellations, lurk low in the eastern pre-dawn sky this time of year. The Moon serves as a handy guide to help you find Antares in the wee hours tonight.

February 8: ALPHA CENTAURID METEOR SHOWER PEAKS
Well, February is a goose egg month in terms of meteor showers. The only prominent (non-radio) shower this month is the Alpha Centaurids. Meteor showers are named after the constellation or the bright star that marks its radiant: apparent point of emanation. The Alpha Centaurids originate around the sky section occupied by Alpha Centauri. The problem is that this star is not visible to observers north of the 30th parallel. So, this shower, which is hardly prominent by most standards, is more of a Southern Hemisphere, anyway. We mention it because on occasion a few meteors will peek into view above our southern horizon. Also, as mentioned before, the Alpha Cenataurids are February’s only shower, so, its isolation assures it more attention that it would otherwise receive.

February 12: MOON 2.3 DEGREES NW OF MERCURY
A delightful vision for early risers! The thin sliver Moon is close to the elusive planet Mercury. Find both objects low in the pre-dawn, eastern sky. Of all the planets visible without telescopes (Mercury, Venus, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn), Mercury is typically the most difficult to observe, as it is always rather close to the Sun. Use the Moon this morning to help you find it.

February 13: MERCURY AT APHELION
Speaking of Mercury, the first rock from the Sun reaches aphelion today. Aphelion is the point at which a planet is at its greatest distance from the Sun during a given orbit. Today, Mercury will be 43,382,000 miles from the Sun.
While Mercury is the closest planet, one shouldn’t think it is abutting our parent star. One could fit about 5,400 Earths in a row between the Sun and Mercury today.

February 14: MOON NEW (AND VENUS 5.0 SSE OF THE MOON)
Those familiar with lunar phases understand that nobody can see the New Moon, unless it is passing directly in front of the Sun. However, today, the Moon deserves special mention because it is new on St. Valentine’s Day. AND, to make the stars all the more favorable for your endless love quest, Venus is close to the New Moon on St. Valentine’s Day. Mind you, neither Venus nor the Moon are visible. Nevertheless, with such a promising configuration of Moon, planet and calendar, today’s the day when you could find the love of your life merely by dialing random numbers in the phone book. (Good luck with that.) Oh, and this New Moon begins lunation cycle 1078.

February 14: NEPTUNE IN SOLAR CONJUNCTION
Well, between southern hemisphere meteor showers, the New Moon, Venus, and now Neptune behind the Sun, we’re truly on top of all of those invisible astronomical events this month. The 8th (and last) planet appears to move behind the Sun and will slowly pass into the morning sky.

February 16: SUN ENTERS AQUARIUS
The Sun previously appeared to be in Capricornus and will move into Pisces on March 12. Another hopeful sign: the vernal equinox point is located in Pisces.

February 16: MARDI GRAS
Not truly an astronomical event, but worth mentioning. The day in which those planning to be penitent permit themselves one final indulgence fest before beginning their forty days of humble deprivation. For those of us free of taint and devoid of entertainments, the line between deprivation and celebration is a bit blurred.

February 17: VENUS 0.54 DEGREES SSE OF JUPITER
We mention this close encounter for academic purposes only. Both worlds will be exceedingly difficult to find as they’re about nine degrees from the Sun.

February 21: LAST QUARTER MOON
Tonight, the quarter moon will be less than a degree away from the Pleiades, the bright star cluster to the west of Taurus the Bull.

February 24: MOON 5.1 DEGREES SSW OF MARS
Find the gibbous moon close to the red planet tonight. This Moon-planet close encounter will be the easiest one to observe this month.

February 27: MOON AT PERIGEE
So, here’s the problem. The Moon is at perigee (its closest point to Earth during this orbit) around the same time it is at opposition (Full). Consequently, we can expect maximum high tides. High tides are generally at maximum when the Moon is full or new, since the Moon and Sun are aligned with Earth during these two phase points. As the Moon will be closer than usual during one of these alignment, we’ll have tides that are even higher than usual.

February 28: FULL MOON
One would expect the February full moon to have associations with cold weather and in many cultures, it certainly does. While February’s full moon was the “Trapper’s Moon,” to American colonists, it was the “Storm Moon” in Medieval England; and the “Moon of Ice” to the Celts; The Choctaw people gave it the ominous title of the “Little Famine Moon,” while the Chinese gave it the slightly more cheerful name of “The Budding Moon.”

February 28: JUPITER IN SOLAR CONJUNCTION
Watch for Jupiter to gradually emerge into the morning sky.

PLANETS

MERCURY: Mercury is bright, but for us northern observers, not always visible this month. The little planet peeks up in the eastern pre-dawn sky, but vanishes by the second half of February. VERDICT: As always, Mercury is a challenge, but it is easier the first week of February. After the second week, don’t bother trying to find it, unless you travel to the Southern Hemisphere.

VENUS: Brilliant, as always, but very low in the sky. Venus is an evening sky object that will slowly move away from the Sun. VERDICT: While Venus is a difficult sight at month’s beginning, it will be an easier catch by month’s end. If you’re anxious to find Venus, you might see it briefly after sunset in the west during the first week of February. Otherwise, give it awhile to move into better position.

MARS: Although Saturn’s quickly becoming more prominent, Mars is once again the pick planet of the month. Mars’ dims by less than a magnitude this month as it moves away from Earth. However, it is still visible most of the night. VERDICT: Find Mars this month! It is an easy sight: eastern sky in the evening; western sky after midnight. Catch it now, as it will grow even more faint in March.

JUPITER: Jupiter finally disappears in the west this month. The giant planet moves into solar conjunction at month’s end. VERDICT: Perhaps, one might see Jupiter for a few moments after sunset during the beginning of February. Yet, I shouldn’t bother even trying to find Jupiter then. There is a lovely Venus-Jupiter conjunction, but, unfortunately, it is so low as to be practically invisible.

SATURN: The ringed world rises around 9:30 p.m. at month’s beginning and around 7:30 p.m. at month’s end. Saturn draws closer to Earth and becomes brighter, despite the decreasing angle of its ring system, which contributes significantly to the planet’s apparent brightness. Once Saturn rises, it remains visible for the rest of the night. VERDICT: Great time to see Saturn! It is even brighter next month, when we predict it will become our pick planet. Find it tonight, especially if you have a telescope, which will enable you to observe its magnificent ring system!

DA January 29, 2010 Quiz: I ALMOST care about knowing that

From the USM Southworth Planetarium
“Spheres”

THE DAILY ASTRONOMER January 29, 2010 Quiz: I ALMOST care about knowing that

Today, ladies and gentlemen, we’re going to have a dribble of fun with our Friday quiz. Traditionally, we design these examinations to be stress-inducing disasters that should inflict indelible scars on your psyche. Any test-writer will tell you that examination composition is a healthy outlet for the sadistic natures that psychologists claim are inherent in all of us (except psychologists.)

However, we relax our viciousness for one week only so we can bring you some trivial knowledge from a world that overflows with figures and factoids that are of little use to anybody. In fact, many might feel a warming glow of pride by flunking this week’s quiz, as such a failure would speak well as to how you utilize your brain. Of course, those who pass this exam with airborne hues should also be chest out and chin high over it. After all, to ace a DAQ is to know the full definition of bliss.

By the way, the answers here have been run through the Snopes.com filter, so I shall expect no arguments. (I can also expect a million dollars and a self-refilling bottle of Diet Snapple.)

1. What animal can sleep for three straight years?
a. the rip van winkelium
b. the snail
c. the sloth
d. the dung bettle

2. Someday the Queen Elizabeth 2 will return to Portland’s harbor. (We hope!) This luxury cruise liner travels the seas, but not without significant fuel expenditure. How far does this mammoth craft travel on each gallon of fuel it burns? a. 1.2 nautical miles
b. 2.1 nautical miles
c. 1400 yards
d. 3 nautical miles on the high seas; 4.1 nautical miles within 20 miles of shore e. None of the above

3. What part of the body remains the same size from birth to death? a. appendix
b. eyes
c. little toe
d. liver

4. What is special about the sentence “The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog?” (No choices.)

5. “_______________” is the longest word that can be written on a typewriter using only one row on that typewriter. (No choices, but look for the hints in the question.)

6. The English language has no words that rhyme with three different color names. Name two of those colors.
(No choices. To save space, we also didn’t include hints with this one.)

7. What is the only English word that ends with “mt.” We’ll give you choices a. Book
b. Dragon
c. Lollipop
d. Marshmellow
e. None of the above….(if you choose this one, you still have to say the right word)

8. On what award would you find three naked men in a circle? a. The NC-17 Oscar medallion
b. The Sports Illustrated Tri-athlete of the year trophy c. The Nobel Peace Prize
d. The Mr. Universe belt.

9. If you’re dining at a restaurant in Iceland, what should you NEVER do?
a. Ask why “Greenland” is icy and “Iceland” isn’t (Very sensitive topic) b. Eat the food
c. Tip the waiter
d. Order red wine

ANSWERS

1. b. the snail

2. e. None of the above
The QE2 travels 40 feet for each gallon of diesel it burns

3. b. eyes

4. It uses every letter in the alphabet

5. “Typewriter”

6. “Orange,” “Silver,” and “Purple.”

7. “dreamt.”

8. c. The Nobel Peace Prize

No, we’re not kidding. President Obama’s a lucky guy, isn’t he?

9. c. Tip the waiter

It is considered an insult.

RATINGS

9 CORRECT TOWERING TITAN OF TRIVIA
Dreadful demon around any game board, you are such a gushing torrent of trivial knowledge that you could send most sit-com postal workers into a stupor. Elizabethan Poetry to Rocket Engines to Scottish fencers, you are the repository of all the world’s woefully undervalued facts. Of course, if you were asked what a chair would look like if our knees bent the other way, you’d be at a loss.

5 – 8 CORRECT POTPOURRI PRINCE
Eclectic and seasoned, you have a life of dash, dish, and didacticism. Every event is an occasion to rifle through your file of fun factoids that promise to turn the head of any date prospect. Of course, the date prospect will be turning his/her head away from you, but it’s a start.

1 – 4 CORRECT NO PRINCE, BUT PERFECTLY PROPORTIONED
Pleasantly mediocre when it comes to silly facts, so we might not consult you if we want to know who is number two behind Joe DiMaggio with most consecutive games with a hit. (Willie Keeler 45). However, you have a pleasant mix of useful and useless facts. The trick is having the wisdom to know the difference

0 CORRECT There goes your future in civil service work.

DA January 28, 2010 That’s a Crab? (R)

From the USM Southworth Planetarium
“No rest for the angelic.”

THE DAILY ASTRONOMER January 28, 2010 That’s a Crab?

Yes, we HATE repeats.
We pride ourselves on posting something new and delightful (Well, at least new) every day, five days a week. However, sometimes life (i.e. work!) interferes with our plans and compels us to post a re-run. This article first appeared two years and a day ago on January 27, 2008.

Enjoy!
Grrrrrrrrrrr………………….

Visualizing a constellation is a splendid way to engage the imagination. The night sky provides the component outline stars. The observer’s mind forms the character around them. This visualization makes a constellation unique to each person.

Sometimes, all you might have is imagination, as the component stars within a constellation are few, faint, and arranged in such as way as to appear completely unlike their namesake. Such is the case with the obscure constellation known as “Cancer the Crab.” First recorded as a Crab by the highly imaginative Chaldean people (7th- 6th century B.C.), Cancer is well to the east of Orion and to the west of Leo the Lion.
Its pattern consists of a long vertical star line, with two shorter lines branching off to either side. Imagine a “Y” turned upside down. (See the crab at www.usm.maine.edu/planet/DA.html )

Mythologically, Hera sent this crab to Earth to fight Hercules who was enthralled in an exhausting battle with Hydra, the many-headed water snake. Hera hoped that the Crab would distract Hercules enough to give Hydra the advantage. Her scheme didn’t work. After a few minutes of being pestered by the annoying crab, Hercules rushed over and crushed it into mulch under his heel. Hercules then turned his attention back to the head-sprouting Hydra, eventually slaying him with the aid of his nephew, Ioalus.

Hera placed the Crab in the sky as a reward for its dutiful service. As it did not prove to be a formidable opponent, Cancer was composed of faint stars, so its placement in the heavens was more shameful than glorious. (One can perhaps envision the lower two lines as the crab and the shaft at the top as a dunce cap.)

At the Crab’s center one finds a splotch of light known as Praesepe: the Beehive Star Cluster. This cluster is the constellation’s one prominent feature. Apart from being a beautiful cluster of stars that resembles a bee swarm when viewed telescopically -hence the name- Praesepe marks the position of the Sun on August 1st. Through the Spring and early summer, watch the Beehive as it appears to draw closer to the setting Sun…as we draw closer to the hottest time of year.

Visualizing this approach and the hottest time of the year is another deliciously delightful employment for the imagination.

February 2010 Laser Fest Music Show Descriptions

Whoops!
My apologies.
The laser fest music show descriptions did not appear
on the February 2010 events calendar as promised.

Here it is:

FRIGHT LIGHT: features Black Sabbath’s “Iron Man,” Will Smith’s “Men in Black,” and Alice Cooper’s “Feed my Frankenstein” and more.

HYPNOTICA: features selections from Fat Boy Slim, The Chemical Brothers and the Crystal Method and others

LASER MAGIC: featured selections from Third Eye Blind, Yanni, the B-52’s, and the cast of the Rocky Horror Picture Show

LASER MANIA: features Time Warp Medley (“What I Like About You,” “Satisfaction,” others), “Under the Milky Way,” and “Livin’ La Vida Loca.”)

LASEROPOLIS: features Nirvana, REM, Oasis, Boston, Creed and the Future Sounds of London, and more.

LASER POP: A fun show with music from the Beach Boys, Smashmouth, N’Sync and other poppin’ tunes.

LASER RETRO: songs from The Police, Red Rider, Depeche Mode, INXS, and Duran Duran. A modern laser show with yesterday’s music!

February 2010 Planetarium Events

February 2010 Southworth Planetarium Events:

WHAT?!
Sitting there in a helpless funk, looking out at the patchy snow, and thinking that this bleak, interminably frigid, horribly cold will never draw to a close? Feeling a wee bit gray around the gills and dark around the spirit; has your world turned a bit ashen. Do you have enough winter blahs to fill a hundred Frost poems? Anxious for the warmth, joy, excitement, and carnival atmosphere of summer?

Well, not only does the Southworth Planetarium not sleep in the winter,
but we have some of the most fantastic programs this February! We offer our usual evening astronomy shows and weekend matinees. However, we offer a vertiable bonanza of shows during school vacation week: including our LASER FEST 2010.
(The LASER FEST 2010 was sent in a previous e-mail, but we will include the information about it in this e-mail, as well, because there is no such thing as excessive self-promotion.)

Well, we invite you to come to the Southworth Planetarium. Where else will you find extreme exo-planets, dinosaurs, fantastic rocket trips, black holes, along with dazzling, sense-assaulting laser light shows!

Visit the hopping and happening underworld that is the USM Southworth Planetarium. We don’t rest, recline, relax or HIBERNATE!

Discover the place where the blahs come to die…

Now, for the money part:

Admission:

Evening astronomy shows:
$6.00 – adults; $5.00 – children (Combo price for both shows: $9 – adults; $8 -children) Matinees:
$5.00 – adults; $4.00 – children
LASER FEST SHOWS:
$5.00 – person (child or adult)

USM students, faculty and staff admitted free to all astronomy programs. Planetarium members also admitted free. For more information, please call 207-780-4249, consult our web-site www.usm.maine.edu/planet or e-mail us at egleason@usm.maine.edu

Friday, February 5:

7:00 p.m. EXTREME PLANETS: a show about the search for and discovery of planets around other star systems.

8:30 p.m. EIGHT PLANETS AND COUNTING: an updated exploration of our own solar system. See images of the eight planets (and Pluto), the Sun, asteroids, comets, TNO’s and all the objects that comprise our local planetary neighborhood.

Saturday, February 6:

3:00 p.m. RUSTY ROCKET’S LAST BLAST! Join Rusty Rocket and his band of rocket rookies as they explore the solar system. This show combines animation, a little music, and the latest planetary images to give you and your young child a fun and information program about the planets.

Sunday, February 7:

3:00 p.m. DINOSAURS: explore the realm of the dinosaurs. We return to the Mesozoic Era to see images of and learn about the gigantic Seismosaurus, Pteradons, Triceratops, T-Rex and many more of these amazing creatures.

Friday, February 12:

7:00 p.m. COSMIC COLLISIONS: a new show about the many different types of collisions that occur in our dynamic universe: asteroid to asteroid; star to star; galaxy to galaxy. Discover how these powerful cosmic collisions have changed our world and, surprisingly, made human life possible.

8:30 p.m. BLACK HOLES: an exciting show about black holes. How do they form? How can we find them? How do they distort space-time. Journey to the region of the black hole, one of the cosmos’ most fascinating objects.

SCHOOL VACATION WEEK BEGINS!!!!

Saturday, February 13:

3:00 p.m. EIGHT PLANETS AND COUNTING: an updated exploration of our own solar system. See images of the eight planets (and Pluto), the Sun, asteroids, comets, TNO’s and all the objects that comprise our local planetary neighborhood.

LASER FEST NOTE:
For more information about the music laser shows, please refer to the description section at the end of this e-mail. Do note that each astronomy shows concludes with a music laser show. Also, each laser program begins with “Paradigm Shift,” a seven-minute short show about science and mythology.

Sunday, February 14:

1:00 p.m. LASER FEST SHOW: “Legends of the Night Sky: Perseus and Andromeda” Show concludes with music laser show “Laser Pop”

3:00 p.m. LASER FEST SHOW: “Legends of the Night Sky: Orion” Show concludes with music laser show “Laser Magic”

Monday, February 15:

11:00 a.m. RUSTY ROCKET’S LAST BLAST! Join Rusty Rocket and his band of rocket rookies as they explore the solar system. This show combines animation, a little music, and the latest planetary images to give you and your young child a fun and information program about the planets.

12:00 p.m. LASER FEST SHOW: “Legends of the Night Sky: Perseus and Andromeda” Show concludes with music laser show “Laser Magic”

1:00 p.m. BLACK HOLES: an exciting show about black holes. How do they form? How can we find them? How do they distort space-time. Journey to the region of the black hole, one of the cosmos’ most fascinating objects.

2:00 p.m. LASER FEST MUSIC SHOW: “Laseropolis!”

3:00 p.m. LASER FEST SHOW: “Legends of the Night Sky: Orion” Show concludes with music laser show “Laser Pop”

7:00 p.m. LASER FEST MUSIC SHOW: “Pink Floyd’s Dark Side of the Moon”

8:00 p.m. LASER FEST MUSIC SHOW: “Hypnotica”

Tuesday, February 16:

11:00 a.m. EIGHT PLANETS AND COUNTING: an updated exploration of our own solar system. See images of the eight planets (and Pluto), the Sun, asteroids, comets, TNO’s and all the objects that comprise our local planetary neighborhood.

12:00 p.m. LASER FEST SHOW: “Legends of the Night Sky: Orion” Show concludes with music laser show “Laser Magic”

1:00 p.m. EXTREME PLANETS: a show about the search for and discovery of planets around other star systems.

2:00 p.m. LASER FEST MUSIC SHOW: “Fright Night”

3:00 p.m. LASER FEST SHOW: “Legends of the Night Sky: Perseus and Andromeda” Show concludes with music laser show “Laser Pop”

7:00 p.m. LASER FEST MUSIC SHOW: “Laser Mania”

8:00 p.m. LASER FEST MUSIC SHOW: “Laser Spirit”

Wednesday, February 17:

11:00 a.m. RUSTY ROCKET’S LAST BLAST! Join Rusty Rocket and his band of rocket rookies as they explore the solar system. This show combines animation, a little music, and the latest planetary images to give you and your young child a fun and information program about the planets.

12:00 p.m. LASER FEST SHOW: “Legends of the Night Sky: Perseus and Andromeda” Show concludes with music laser show “Laser Magic”

1:00 p.m. BLACK HOLES: an exciting show about black holes. How do they form? How can we find them? How do they distort space-time. Journey to the region of the black hole, one of the cosmos’ most fascinating objects.

2:00 p.m. LASER FEST MUSIC SHOW: “Laser Vinyl”

3:00 p.m. LASER FEST SHOW: “Legends of the Night Sky: Orion” Show concludes with music laser show “Laser Pop”

7:00 p.m. LASER FEST MUSIC SHOW: “Pink Floyd’s ‘The Wall’”

8:00 p.m. LASER FEST MUSIC SHOW: “Laser U2″

Thursday, February 18:

11:00 a.m. EIGHT PLANETS AND COUNTING: an updated exploration of our own solar system. See images of the eight planets (and Pluto), the Sun, asteroids, comets, TNO’s and all the objects that comprise our local planetary neighborhood.

12:00 p.m. LASER FEST SHOW: “Legends of the Night Sky: Orion” Show concludes with music laser show “Laser Magic”

1:00 p.m. EXTREME PLANETS: a show about the search for and discovery of planets around other star systems.

2:00 p.m. LASER FEST MUSIC SHOW: “Laser Retro”

3:00 p.m. LASER FEST SHOW: “Legends of the Night Sky: Perseus and Andromeda” Show concludes with music laser show “Laser Pop”

7:00 p.m. LASER FEST MUSIC SHOW: “Laser Beatles”

8:00 p.m. LASER FEST MUSIC SHOW: “Pink Floyd’s ‘Dark Side of the Moon’”

Friday, February 19

11:00 a.m. RUSTY ROCKET’S LAST BLAST! Join Rusty Rocket and his band of rocket rookies as they explore the solar system. This show combines animation, a little music, and the latest planetary images to give you and your young child a fun and information program about the planets.

12:00 p.m. LASER FEST SHOW: “Legends of the Night Sky: Perseus and Andromeda” Show concludes with music laser show “Laser Magic”

1:00 p.m. BLACK HOLES: an exciting show about black holes. How do they form? How can we find them? How do they distort space-time. Journey to the region of the black hole, one of the cosmos’ most fascinating objects.

2:00 p.m. LASER FEST MUSIC SHOW: “Hypnotica”

3:00 p.m. LASER FEST SHOW: “Legends of the Night Sky: Orion” Show concludes with music laser show “Laser Pop”

7:00 p.m. LASER FEST MUSIC SHOW: “Laser Led Zeppelin”

8:00 p.m. LASER FEST MUSIC SHOW: “Laser Mania”

Saturday, February 20

1:00 p.m. LASER FEST SHOW: “Legends of the Night Sky: Perseus and Andromeda” Show concludes with music laser show “Laser Magic”

3:00 p.m. LASER FEST SHOW: “Legends of the Night Sky: Orion” Show concludes with music laser show “Laser Pop”

7:00 p.m. LASER FEST MUSIC SHOW: Pink Floyd’s “Dark Side of the Moon”

8:00 p.m. LASER FEST MUSIC SHOW: “Hypnotica”

Sunday, February 21:

1:00 p.m. LASER FEST SHOW: “Legends of the Night Sky: Orion” Show concludes with music laser show: “Laser Magic”

3:00 p.m. LASER FEST SHOW: “Legends of the Night Sky: Perseus and Andromeda” Show concludes with music laser show: “Laser Pop”

Friday, February 26:

7:00 p.m. BLACK HOLES: an exciting show about black holes. How do they form? How can we find them? How do they distort space-time. Journey to the region of the black hole, one of the cosmos’ most fascinating objects.

8:30 p.m. COSMIC COLLISIONS: a new show about the many different types of collisions that occur in our dynamic universe: asteroid to asteroid; star to star; galaxy to galaxy. Discover how these powerful cosmic collisions have changed our world and, surprisingly, made human life possible.

Saturday, February 27:

3:00 p.m. DINOSAURS: explore the realm of the dinosaurs. We return to the Mesozoic Era to see images of and learn about the gigantic Seismosaurus, Pteradons, Triceratops, T-Rex and many more of these amazing creatures.

Sunday, February 28: *FREE Sunday* (Shows on the last Sunday of the month free and open to the public)

1:00 p.m. RING WORLD: follow the Cassini-Huygens mission en route to the ringed world, Saturn.

3:00 p.m. EIGHT PLANETS AND COUNTING: an updated exploration of our own solar system. See images of the eight planets (and Pluto), the Sun, asteroids, comets, TNO’s and all the objects that comprise our local planetary neighborhood.

DA January 27, 2010 Much Ado About Mars

From the USM Southworth Planetarium
“A pop and a pip and a dizzying trip”

THE DAILY ASTRONOMER January 27, 2010 Much Ado About Mars

Why is planet watching one of astronomy’s most fantastic endeavors? Simple: by observing a planet, one is seeing an entire world floating through the void. Such a sight reminds us that we, ourselves, are roaring through life aboard a blue spinning sphere that is suspended within the depth less black vacuum. We’re all floaters, despite our fictional and comforting contrivances of up, down, around and about.

So, with this discomfiting perspective in mind, we observe that ruddy planet, Mars. On Friday, it reaches “opposition,” at which time Earth shall pass directly between Mars and the Sun. From our ground-based viewpoint, Mars will appear to rise around sunset and set around sunrise. Mars watching will be an all night event.

All the other superior planets (Mars through Neptune) go into opposition, but we always pay special attention when the fourth rock puts on an all-night soiree. For, Mars is much more than a dot amongst the stars. Even by humanity’s high standards for baseless fears and manufactured mythologies, Mars sits in its own class. Inspiring terror and fascination in equal and abundant measure, Mars has a reputation of dread that literally extends into the 20th century. It has facilitated war, ushered in discord; condoned wickedness, savaged the helpless, mocked the pious, and sought to destroy the foundations of our world: an impressive feat for a sphere that is always more than 32 million miles away.
Even in 1938, the fictional news broadcast of a Martian invasion drove thousands into a frenzied panic. Orsen Welles produced a radio program about a Martian invasion, based on HG Wells’ novel “War of the Worlds,” which involved a Martian assault on Earth. Fortunately, they delivered the announcement that the broadcast was a hoax, thereby preventing one half of New Jersey from hysterically killing the other half.

We know why Mars has caused all this mayhem: Simply because of its color: Mars has a reddish tint, reminiscent of human blood. History is soaked with hemoglobin and anything object even remotely associated with life’s fluid will earn itself an ominous reputation. Hence, the fearsome sight of Mars. Of course, this red is not blood at all, merely rust: iron oxide that looks like blood.

In today’s sane and peaceful world, we have a much different outlook, of course. Mars is more destiny than dread, for we see it as truly the only other world in the solar system upon which humans could establish a colony. After all, Mercury is a vacuum world that is either steeped in frigid cold or scorched by unfiltered Sun; Venus is a blast furnace pole to pole; Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus and Neptune are all bloated gas giants with no walking surfaces. Mars, however, is a bit more promising. Though we couldn’t breathe on Mars and it is generally quite cold (highest temperatures don’t exceed 60 degrees F), the fourth planet is a desert world no doubt replete with breathtaking (literally) vistas of towering mountains and sprawling canyons: like Monument Valley, only without oxygen.

Mars no longer impels humans to declare war or to drive through our garages in horror. Instead, we see it as the solar system’s only fixer-upper world: full of problems and potential. We just have to wait for them to invent Terraforming Spackle.

Yet, you must concede that the one thing Mars is not is a simple little dot.

DA January 26, 2010 A Nymph Named Syrinx

From the USM Southworth Planetarium
“Fire and frenzy”

THE DAILY ASTRONOMER January 26, 2010 A Nymph Named Syrinx

Juno, having been so often victimized by her philandering husband’s innumerable infidelities, lived a life of such bitter distrust that her suspicions could even be aroused by something as seemingly innocuous as a cloudy day. Perhaps a cloud bank would seem harmless enough to us mortal types who regard them as simple rain makers. To Juno, they could also serve another purpose, for Jupiter would often summon clouds forth to conceal his latest debaucheries from his ever watchful wife.

So, one day, when Juno looked down upon an overcast land, she suspected that Jupiter had happened upon another beautiful mortal woman. With a wave of the hand, Juno cleared away the clouds to find Jupiter chatting with, of all things, a heifer! This strange scene hardly allayed her suspicions and she decided to investigate. Juno came upon Jupiter and his newly found friend. “I must say, dear husband, this animal is a beauty. I have rarely ever beheld such a magnificent beast. Would you object if I were to take it as my own?”

This request put Jupiter in something of a quandary. For, as Juno had surmised, that heifer was no ordinary beast. It was, originally, a lovely woman named Io. Jupiter had seen her from his perch and was determined to seduce her. He was in the process of accomplishing this aim when he noticed that the clouds which he had placed above him were parting. Realizing that Juno was about to see him, Jupiter transformed Io into a beast, a subterfuge he had never attempted before. This trick had the advantage of depriving Io of both human form and speech. He didn’t think that even his perspicacious wife would be the wiser. When Juno asked for the heifer with that malicious gleam in her eye, Jupiter knew he might have underestimated her. However, what could he do? He couldn’t very well deny Juno such a request without looking suspicious. After all, it was merely a heifer. He agreed and gave the heifer to Jupiter.

Though nearly as powerful as her husband, Juno could not undo any magic that Jupiter had performed. If this heifer had previously been something else, she couldn’t immediately know what it had been. Instead, she decided to make the heifer a prisoner to be watched at every moment. Juno commanded the dreadful Argus to be her captor. Argus was a creature who had a hundred eyes. Whenever Argus slept, only two eyes closed at a time, leaving the other ninety-eight eyes open and alert. Thus, Argus always kept the heifer in his sights. Night and day, it was chained to a rock. Poor Io, though still possessed of a woman’s soul and mind, was trapped in this beastly form.

One day, after Io had nearly lost herself to despair, a young stranger came upon the heifer and her vigilant guard. He was performing beautiful music on an instrument that neither Argus nor Io had ever heard. Argus invited the youth to sit by him for awhile, as the music he played was both delightful and soothing. The young man agreed and for the remainder of the afternoon, he played his music and told many stories. During these performances, many, but not all, of Argus’ eyes closed.

Finally, the stranger told a story about the musical instrument, itself.
“There was once a nymph named Syrinx. Like all nymphs, she was possessed of dazzling beauty. She avoided the company of men, for she was chaste and wanted to be of pure beauty, just like the deep forest she inhabited. Alas, as she was so lovely, she was coveted by all the men who happen to see her wandering through the trees. These men often pursued her, but she deftly evaded them all, for nymphs are much more swift and nimble than mortal men.
“One morning, she was espied by Pan, himself. Even he was enraptured by her and at once tried to capture her. Syrinx discovered to her distress that Pan was even more swift than the nymphs and would soon abduct her. Syrinx raced to the lake’s edge as Pan was only a few strides away. She pleaded with the water nymphs to quickly intervene. So, when Pan finally reached her, he grabbed for her, but found that he was merely embracing a set of reeds, each of different lengths.
“As he stood there dejected and despairing, Pan heard the most enchanting tones issuing from the reeds. It was a sound he had never heard before: he felt both elated, but melancholy, while hearing this strange and most exquisite music. It was, he soon knew, the harmonies of love, itself: the warm joy of love’s birth and the cool anguish of its dissolution; it was ecstasy and tears; the heights of passion and the deeps of longing; helpless sorrows tinctured by the subtle hope that love would perhaps be someday re-born or elsewhere found. Pan wept at the sound of it, for it was as though Earth, itself, murmured the secret essence of love through the reeds to him, alone. He wrapped the reeds with a skein of thread and thus made the very flute that I am presently playing for you.”
When the stranger finished his story, he looked over to Argus. All one hundred eyes were closed. Io, who was lulled into a blissful peace by the music and stories, was shocked when she saw the stranger suddenly remove a sword from his coat and behead Argus!
“You are free, now,” the young man announced, as he disdainfully tossed Argus’ head into the field. “I am Mercury, and at Jupiter’s behest, have set you at liberty.” Mercury then swiftly flew to Olympus to alert Jupiter of his success.
From his perch, Jupiter transformed Io back into a woman, but, to his horror, she at once resumed her heifer shape. Juno, who was aroused to a fury upon realizing that Argus had been killed, turned her back into a heifer. Not only was Juno determined that Io should retain this beastly form for the rest of her life, but she would also know nothing but flight and torment. Juno sent a gadfly to sting and pursue Io across the land. Poor Io, who had merely tasted freedom for a moment and was once again beastly, fled in haste as the vicious gadfly tried to repeatedly assault her.
Io spent many sleepless nights and desperate days avoiding this gadfly and was driven almost mad by her lack of rest. Ultimately, Jupiter once again intervened on her behalf. He swore by the River Styx that if Juno were to transform Io back into a woman, he would not attempt to seduce her. Juno knew that not even Jupiter, himself, would a break a vow taken over the River Styx and consented.
The beleaguered Io once again became a mortal woman, and her speech was restored. She returned to her family, from whom she had been separated for quite some time. Juno, perhaps the only being who was fond on Argus, placed his hundred eyes in the tails of peacocks. As for Jupiter, well, quite a bit of time elapsed before he ever played with clouds, again.

DA January 25, 2010 The Astronomy in Rain

From the USM Southworth Planetarium
“A glaggle of thirties”

THE DAILY ASTRONOMER January 25, 2010 The Astronomy in Rain

And, there, in the hardly remarkable driveway bordered by the typical suburban lawn along its sides and the quintessential suburban home at its head, is our favorite aimless wanderer amongst life’s obstacles, Phil. Today, we find forlorn Phil looking sorrowfully at his car’s front driver’s side door. He is neither weeping nor speaking; neither moving nor yelling; one can hardly tell he’s breathing. Yet. there he is, staring dully at the gleam of chrome-reflected sunlight along the door.

Phil would likely have remained silent and inert for quite awhile were it not for the sudden appearance of his ever-present, neighbor Bob, whose curiosity, though often set at perpetual low ebb, is piqued by Phil’s statuesque posture. He decides to investigate.

Bob: Phil! What are you looking at?

Phil (absently): My car’s door

Bob: Why?

Phil: I locked myself out.

Bob: Of what?

Phil: Of my car.

Bob: Oh. Bad luck. Where are your keys?

Phil: On the front seat of the car.

Bob (almost irritated) : Well, can’t you just grab them?

Phil: (shakes head): Doors are locked.

Bob: Ah, that’s why you’re locked out.

Phil: Yes. I have stood here trying to think about what to do.

Bob (suddenly hopeful): Wait! Didn’t you make a spare key?

Phil (also suddenly hopeful): Um…well, yeah, I think I did.

Bob (sounding erudite): So, all you need to do is find that key and use it to unlock the door which will, in turn, allow you to get your other keys.

Phil (smiling): Yes!

Bob: Do you know where they are?

Phil: Yes, I put them someplace safe…

Bob: Where?

Phil (eagerly grabbing the car door and laughing): The glove compartment!

INTERMISSION

Later….

Bob (leaning, with his back to the car): It’s a good thing we thought about calling AAA to come.

Phil: We didn’t think of it. The FBI did after we called them for help.

Bob: I hope they’re here soon. My back is starting to hurt.

Phil: They said they were on their way. We just have to wait.

(a silent moment elapses.)

Bob (fanning himself slowly with his straw hat): I reckon it’s gonna rain soon. Mind you, the crops could do with it.

Phil (confused): What are you talking about?!

Bob: Well, what with you and me standing here on a quiet afternoon, made me think of a movie I saw once. A man and woman, both strangers, out on the prairie. You know, the place with those windmill things and tumbleweeds. It’s quiet out there and the man leans back against a rock and talks about the rain because the storm clouds are a’coming across the sky and he’s trying to find something to talk about. I guess that’s the way you talk if you want to chat up girls in t-shirts.

Phil: (raises eyebrow)

Bob: It’s like us, Phil, except, you’re not a woman, we’re not strangers, I don’t think we have tumbleweeds and there’s no clouds, so it might not rain soon. But you know what I mean.

Phil (confused): What are you talking about?!

Bob (puts hat back on his head): I used to study rain, you know. It was like my hobby. I always thought rain was interesting. I think it started when I was a boy and spent summers in Maine. Rain up there in Maine is so rare that they all regard as it being almost mystical. So, I starting reading about it because I like fairy tales. Rain is like magic, actually. One day it isn’t there and the next day it is and you don’t know where it’s been or where it’s going. It is like a river that comes in drops and it delivers things that only fly about in the sky. I heard once, that astronomy people can actually learn about Earth in the rain. Who’d have thunk of that?
Now, get this: I guess that there’s lots of different kinds of gases in the air and way up above what we call the sky (Bob Points up: Phil looks up wonderingly) is a big magnet like thing that covers the Earth. It tries to protect Earth and its gases from cosmic rays. Those sound like science fiction things, but they are real and come from outer space. You know, like those little laser shots in video games, except they don’t glow and go ping!

Phil: Ping?

Bob! Ping! Think of that. All the time, way above that blue our planet is being hit by these little rays. (jabs the air rapidly with both index fingers) Ping! Ping! Ping! Ping! Ping! Ping! I know I said they don’t go ‘ping,’ but I’m adding the ‘ping’ for a dramatic effect kind of thing. Get it?

Phil: Not really, now that you mention it…

Bob: So, here’s the thing: these cosmic ray pings hit Earth but that big magnet is like an umbrella. It blocks the pings, but some of these pings get through and hit some of the gases. When these rays hit one type of gas, I think it is called Argyle (DA interjection: he means Argon). You know, the stuff they use to make socks. When the pings hit the Argyle, it breaks apart…they have a big word for it…Discombobulation, I think (DA: Disassociation). It then becomes Chlorine, you know, the stuff they use to clean socks. So, the pings caused the discombobulated argyle to become the chlorine. And then the astronomers can measure the chlorine in rain water and know how strong that magnet umbrella is above Earth. The stronger it is, the fewer pings get through and the fewer argyle atoms get hit to become chlorine. And you know what’s really interesting?

Phil: (braces himself against the car to regain his equilibrium)

Bob: They can know also how strong Earth’s magnet umbrella was a long time ago because it used to rain thousands of years ago, like it does now, except in Maine, of course. The rain would fall, like it does now, and animals would drink it, including rats. Now, I don’t want to become too profuse (DA: profane) but you can guess what rats do when they drink a lot of rain. Not all of it stays in their body. Well, that um, liquid that doesn’t stay in sometimes turns into a crystal. If the rats, well, made water in the desert all those years ago, the crystals would still be in the desert after lots of years. Astronomers get those crystals and can measure how much chlorine is in them, which tells them how strong Earth’s magnet was all those years ago. So, they can do astronomy in rain and even in ancient rat (reduces his voice to a whisper)..orion! (DA: you know the right word!) So, rain and Earth’s magnet and all those outer space pings and socks and rat-you-know-what are all connected in a deep way. (raises finger majestically) There is astronomy in RAIN!

(Door slams. Bob and Phil turn to see a AAA tow truck at the foot of the driveway and a pleasant looking gentleman walking toward them. Well versed in the custom of greeting strangers, Bob and Phil immediately stand erect, show wide smiles and wave rapidly at their approaching savior.)

AAA guy: You guys the ones who need help?

Phil: Yeah, I locked myself out of my car.

AAA guy (pointing): Is this your car?

Phil: Yeah. The keys are on the front seat and the doors are locked.

Bob: It’s a good thing you came when you did. I just ran out of fascinating knowledge.

The AAA guy, his pleasant expression having sharpened to one of bitter annoyance, pivots on his heel, and storms back to his truck. Bob and Phil watch helplessly as the truck speeds away.

Bob: Do you think he’s going away?

Phil: Yeah. I don’t think that’s going to be much help.

Bob: Is it something we said?

Phil: I don’t know.

Bob: Maybe he doesn’t know how to unlock open-top convertibles.