From the Southworth Planetarium
“There’s always 2014″
THE DAILY ASTRONOMER
July 15, 2010
The Sun, For Instance..
To A:
“Misinformation.
“Those who pay close attention to these lectures will realize that this topic figures in quite frequently. Its inclusion is no accident. Through the ages, we have been as impeded as much as we’ve been propelled by what were perceived as facts. I could cite various examples, of course, the most famous of which was Ptolemy’s brilliantly conceived, but ultimately erroneous Earth-centered solar system model. Constrained by a paradigm that insisted that Earth occupy the center and that all orbits surrounding it be circular, Claudius Ptolemy devised a clockwork mechanism of deferents and epicycles to explain observed motions while not contradicting established thought. Ptolemy’s model represented the unholy fusion of mathematics and political correctness. It was taught as gospel for more than a millennium. So, whenever we presume to discuss any topic, we must proceed cautiously.
“Hence, the emphasis on misinformation. Though I stand here before you, a gentleman of formidable intellect and unassailable reputation, I, myself, am susceptible to the same weakness that plagues professors and teachers through the world as it certainly has through history: the inclination to become more of a propagandist than instructor. The tendency to disseminate information for your absorption and then eventual regurgitation. The unquestioning belief that I am spewing a sequence of absolute truths, of which our messy world has precious few.”
“Damn,” Professor MacGregor seethed as he disdainfully flicked his pencil onto the desk. He always hated that sentence, but was at a loss to alter it. Of all the writing on all the papers strewn across his desk, that one phrase was the worst: nothing but quills and mocking giggles. Painful. Awkward. Infuriating. Yet, there it remained, year after year. You see, every summer he scoured through his lectures to augment the facts, sharpen the structure and perfect the syntax. This was a secret ritual, of course, for nobody knew that we wrote all his lectures in advance and committed them to memory. He wanted students and colleagues alike to think that he always spoke extemporaneously. It was for this reason that he never consulted anybody for assistance, even English professors, who would likely cover the sheets with hemorrhaging outflows of red ink. For, you see, unbeknownst to about four people in the Southern Hemisphere, Professor MacGregor had ego issues and requesting assistance of any kind in any situation was unthinkable. If you don’t believe me, ask his fifth wife.
After a moment of labored breathing and pointless eye rubbing, Professor MacGregor saw that there was nothing else for it and picked up his pencil.
“Take the Sun, for instance. The slide you see is an image taken from an 1866 astronomy book. Can anybody in this room identify the image? [Ten seconds of what will likely be deafening silence.] Ok. Well, that image is of the Sun with emphasis on sunspots: those are the dark regions on the sun’s face. Would somebody in the class like to enlighten as to the causes of these sunspots? {Fifteen seconds of listening to fingernails grow.] Well, as you all know, but are too shy to reveal, sunspots are regions of intense magnetism that impede the flow of hot gases from the interior to the “surface,” a term I detest using. I resolve each year, of course, to find another….”
Professor MacGregor spotted the thesaurus four paces from his desk, nestled between the dirty espresso maker and the other dirty espresso maker. He knew that if he extended his arm, he could just about… “Oh, to hell wit….”
“…word, but a busy person such as myself has severe time demands and must prioritize. In any event, we know today through meticulous solar observations and studies of electromagnetism what causes sunspots, although we still don’t know the cause of the eleven year sunspot cycle, a topic we’ll discuss, in vain, of course, later in the semester. Yet, if you examine this slide image carefully, what will you notice? [11.3 second pause} Oh, and, you over there in seat (insert #), it would be best for you to pay attention to the lecture instead of indulging your {insert illicit intoxicant} habit, unless, of course, you brought enough for the class. Please remain seated. That was a joke.
"Now, you will notice the text indicating the cause of these sunspots: they are holes in the sun's outer luminous shell. These holes permit observers to view the opaque region contained within it. One should expect to see such opacity since the sun's fuel source is.....{Shout "No, not fusion!!" to whatever pedantic twit decides to interrupt me so he can show off.] Thermonuclear fusion was unheard of in 1866. That would only arise once Albert Einstein appeared with his reckless Relativity theory in the early 20th century. What else is dark and can be used for fuel? Of course…coal. A fuel source with which civilized people were most familiar. Coal burns. Produces heat and light. The Sun produces heat and light and is assumed therefore to burn, because we humans are nothing if not vulnerable to sophistries that seem profound. The Sun certainly doesn’t burn in the combustible sense. We are aware of this difference today, of course, but that is only because we’re 21st century inhabitants and have evolved to the level of intermediate gods.”
Pencil down. “Shameless thievery from Douglas Adams. Maybe I should take that out this year. I am assuming, of course, that people read books. Never mind.” Pencil up.
“Humanity was compelled to dispense with the coal theory because some clever schmuck calculated that even a solar interior’s worth of coal would not be sufficient to maintain it over millions of year. By this time, incidentally, the geologists were making short work of the notion that Earth was merely 5,000 years old. We assumed that the Sun would necessarily exist as long as Earth did and so if Earth were extant for millions of years, the Sun would be, as well. This, incidentally, is one of those simple assumptions that turns out to be correct. Once we abandoned coal, we then opted for the contraction theory. The notion is that the Sun generated energy through compression of its outer layers. Gravitational potential energy converted into heat energy. Such an idea was clever, but, then again, a thinker ruined it for everybody by determining that such a method would require that the Sun continuously shrink. Moreover, by calculating the energy outflow, we realized that the Sun’s outermost layer would had to have been at Earth’s orbit about forty million years ago. Well, yet again, the geological record indicated that Earth was much older than forty million years. Yet again, we had to cast away a theory like so much rubbish and begin again.
“Fortunately, Albert Einstein came along in 1905 with his Special Theory and then in 1916 with his General Theory. Albert really cast light on the sun with those theories. {Pause for laughter)….
“Yeah, from the crickets,” Professor MacGregor scoffed, setting his unused pencil down on the desk. That joke was there every year and every year it bombed hard. He kept it, though. Perhaps this year, he could devise another. All he’d need was some inspiration. He decided to take his shot glass and fill it with espresso. After all, it was only four paces away.
